So tonight my friends and I went out drinking. We went to a few various bars and I had quite a bit to drink. I guess what they say about alcohol is somewhat true, I did loose my inhibitions. However, I still didn’t feel any more connected to the rest of the human race.
I have no idea what it is, if there is something wrong with me, or if there is something wrong with everyone else. But most of the time I don’t feel as though I have much in common with the people around me at all. I feel as though I have my close group of friends, relationships I’ve cultivated for decades or more, and everyone else seems very foreign to me.
As we sat at the bar drinking, I eves-dropped into the various conversations around the bar, and none of them interested me in the slightest. In fact, several of them made me want to cut myself.
Maybe I’m just going to the wrong places or maybe I’m just a freak. I really do go out intending to have a good time, but it so rarely works out that way. I can just let go and drink, engage in various other activities that would commonly be accepted as “partying”… but I still end up going home feeling empty and worst of all I have no idea why.
I’m not snobby. I’m really not. I’m pretty well versed in popular culture, and while not a sports nut, I could hold my own in a conversation. So why is it that every time I go out to the bars with my friends, I just keep sitting there thinking, “My god. These conversations are all so insipid, I’m wasting my time and I’m not even going to get laid?”
I guess it doesn’t help that I’m getting older. I’m not old, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve definitely passed those days when I can just sit around and talk about nothing for hours and hours. I can’t just sit around getting drunk or high any more, I’d like my conversations to actually be about something. It doesn’t seem like that would be too much to ask.
So why is it that there is no place that I can get that?
These days my favorite place to be is watching live music. At least then, provided that the band isn’t absolutely horrible, I can lose myself in the music. That’s why I like a particular local bar called “Second Story”. The bands that usually play there are not usually the best bands but they play honest and they play loud. So I can close my eyes and try to listen to the conversation. After all, that’s what really great music is: a conversation with the musician.
But I’m getting off topic here. Tonight there were no bands. I couldn’t close my eyes and lose myself in the music. I had to sit and actively take in the people around me and it just wasn’t a very good way to spend my time.
The bar was full of people who were seemingly very interested in impressing each other without actually doing anything impressive. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just too harsh on people, but really, you can’t impress me just by looking good. I mean, everyone in the bar, men and women alike, were going way out of their way to impress people with their looks. And I will be the first to admit, some of the people were very attractive. Physically. But it is amazing to me now how quickly someone can become repulsive simply by opening their mouths.
I never would have thought that when I was younger, and far be it from me to imply that I don’t appreciate a nice body, I certainly do. But I missed that point at which I suddenly realized that a body is just a shell, and that there has to be something more or I’m going to get bored really fast. I’m not sure when that happened but it sure did. And now a tight body might grab my attention, but it certainly won’t hold it.
I’m also not afraid to admit to you that I don’t have a booming body. In fact, I’m about as far from knockout as they come. I’m overweight and I know that the hair on my head is starting to thin as well. So maybe my loss of fascination with fantastic figures comes from the fact that I don’t have one and I don’t think I ever will. But maybe I’m just coming to the realization that you need a little more than a thin waist to be happy in life.
Or maybe I am getting old. But I think that I’m at least getting some perspective. And getting older doesn’t mean then end of anything. As I get older, I get more liberal and accepting. I try to consider others more and I’m certainly less selfish. Maybe that’s what it is: that I’m just at a point where I want to meet people who are capable of sharing and youth doesn’t lend itself to that. I’m not sure. Maybe I just need another drink.