Catching Some Zs Part II: I am Darth Vader

So last night I returned to hell, er, the sleep center. I was resigned to spend another night wired up, strapped in, tossing and turning, and in general getting no rest.

As luck would have it, I got the same technician and the same room. Ah, just like home.

The process was essentially the same. Electrodes were attached to the now hairless portions of my body where they were the last session. Portions of my scalp were scrubbed with grit and electrodes were attached. This time, my technician was taking no chances: she brought out the duct tape. No, not really, but she did tape each electrode down extra firmly and also taped the wires into place.

But lo! No nose plug this time. “What gives?” I ask. Ah, this time it’s the “CPAP” study. I believe this stands for “Continuous Positive Airway Pressure.” If you’d like to simulate it, have a friend drive down the highway at about 80mph. Now stick your head out the window straight into the wind and breath. Ah… refreshing!

This wind-tunnel breathing is accomplished with a mask that fits over your nose and is then connected to machine that delivers pressure constantly, forcing your airways open, so that you don’t stop breathing and all.

So there I was. Wired. Masked. Just relaxing and getting comfortable. Same drill as before, only now, instead of not being able to move, I couldn’t breathe either!

I was instructed to close my mouth and breath through my nose. I did. But I couldn’t seem to get enough air, so I started breathing through my mouth. Let me tell you, this is one weird feeling. With your mouth closed, it’s almost normal. Like breathing in a wind gust. But when you open your mouth, air comes rushing out, and you feel the pressure. It’s bizarre.

So the technician came on the intercom and asked, “Is your mouth closed?”

“No, I can’t get enough air just through my nose.”

“Ah, I’ll try more pressure.”

And with that, the machine made a whirring noise and suddenly the tube tightened and now I couldn’t not breathe through my nose if I wanted to. I found it extremely easy to get enough air in through my nose, but it was almost impossible to breathe out my nose, against the pressure. It occurred to me this would be a decent way to teach circular breathing.

“Is your mouth still open?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I can’t breathe out my damn nose!”

“Okay, the pressure’s too high.”

The cacophony from the machine subsided, and now I found it possible to breathe again, both in and out, through my nose. Not that it was comfortable, it wasn’t. And I swear, it felt like it took forever to fall asleep.

And then something absolutely f’d up happened.

I woke up.

And it was morning.

I hadn’t woken up once the entire night. And I actually felt good. I wasn’t tired, and I am always tired when I wake up in the morning. I mean, always. I felt rested and refreshed and all those things normal people claim they feel when they wake up! Now, don’t get me wrong, morning people are still freaks.

But now I can really appreciate what a good night’s sleep can do. And hopefully, when I get one of these little contraptions for myself, I’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep at home.