With absolutely no apologies to Dick Armey or Newt Gingrich, I present to you, the latest campaign rhetoric from the Republican majority… the Amended Contract With America.

Republican Amended Contract with America

As Republican Members of the House of Representatives seeking to retain control of that body, we pledge to maintain it’s corrupt policies, and even more important, to continue to destroy the bonds of trust between the people and their elected representatives.

That is why, in this era of official evasion and posturing, we intend to evade and posture to an unprecedented degree, and offer a written commitment with plenty of partisan fine print.

This year’s election offers the chance, after over a decade of one-party control, to maintain the status quo and continue to make an even greater mess of the way Congress works. We will continue with government that is too big, too intrusive, and too easy with the public’s money. We will continue to degrade and mock the values and faith of the American family.

Like Bush, our current Republican president, we intend to act with reckless abandon, content in the knowledge that we know best how to line our own pockets with your money and erode your civil liberties. To ignore accountability in Congress. To continue the cycle of scandal and disgrace. To make a mockery of the way free people govern themselves.

On the first day of the 110th Congress, we, the Republican majority will immediately pass the buck and take no responsibility, aimed at abusing the faith and trust of the American people in their government:

• FIRST, require all laws that apply to the rest of the country no longer apply to Congress, since they already don’t apply to the President;
• SECOND, suspend any efforts to audit Congress for waste, fraud or abuse;
• THIRD, eliminate the House Ethics committee;
• FOURTH, increase the number of former Republican Party members among highly-paid lobbyists by 75%;
• FIFTH, ban public committee hearings, in the name of national security;
• SIXTH, require all Congressional are records off-limits, for matters of national security;
• SEVENTH, cover up any and all scandals involving pederast members of our own party;
• EIGHTH, continue to pass legislation supporting any potentially illegal or unconstitutional programs supported by the current administration.

Within the first 100 days of the 110th Congress, we shall bring to the House Floor the following bills, each to be passed in the middle of the night, with no debate. Each to be given an up or down vote and each to be severely redacted from public inspection and scrutiny, you know, for matters of national security.

1. THE FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY ACT: An act which will ban limits on the federal deficit. As our great leader Dick Cheney has said, “Deficits don’t matter.”
2. THE TAKING BACK OUR STREETS ACT: Suspending the writ of habeas corpus, because not everyone needs to have their day in court.
3. THE PERSONAL IRRESPONSIBILITY ACT: Suspending most of the criminal code from application to Members of Congress and their staff.
4. THE FAMILY REINFORCEMENT ACT: Comprehensive legislation aimed at tackling the problem of Gay Marriage once and for all. Includes special provisions for Heterosexual Marriage to lower the divorce rate from 85% to a respectable 75%.
5. THE AMERICAN DREAM RESTORATION ACT: Sweeping immigration legislation that will immediately deport all illegal aliens and revert naturalized citizens and “Green Card” holders to the status of indentured servitude for a period of 10-20 years to lessen any potential economic impact.
6. THE NATIONAL SECURITY RESTORATION ACT: All political speech, writing and thought will be subject to review by the NSA to protect America from the terrorist threat facing our nation today. Wiretapping becomes mandatory under special “freedom preservation” provisions.
7. THE SENIOR CITIZENS ACT: Social Security and Medicare reform top our aggressive agenda. To best address the problem, this act will require the forcible termination of citizens who reach 65 years of age, thus solving both problems decisively.
8. THE JOB CREATION AND WAGE ENHANCEMENT ACT: Elimination of all income taxes for small business owners with net worth over 50 million dollars who employ 15,000 or more U.S. Citizens. Also eliminates all capital gains tax for those with investments totaling more than 1.5 million.
9. THE COMMON SENSE LEGAL REFORM ACT: Eliminates Federal Jurisdiction for all cases except those dealing with national security, which will be handled by a secret NSA Tribunal.
10. THE CITIZEN LEGISLATOR ACT: Changes the voting for Congressional Terms from a positive vote (requiring citizens to vote for a candidate) to a negative vote (requiring citizens to vote incumbents out of office). Constitutionally approved by the Attorney General.

Further, we will instruct the House Budget Committee to report to the floor and to increase our budget, beyond the bloat specifically included in the legislation described above, to ensure that our district pork projects like bridges to nowhere remain fully funded.

Laughing derisively at the expense of our fellow citizens as we seek their mandate to continue riding the country to hell in a hand basket, we hereby pledge our names to this Amended Contract with America.